This has been such a good week. Such an almost-normal week.
Last Thursday (nine days ago) Marissa had her first chemo treatment. The next day she worked–feeling odd but still pumped up from all the steroids she had been given. But on Saturday she crashed. And it was a scary, I-don’t-think-we-can-do-this kind of crash. It was physical with nausea and weakness, but it was also mental, as if her body was finally getting through to her mind.
At one point she looked up at me in almost-shock and said, “I have cancer, Mom.”
I know, baby girl, I know.
And this journey has been like that. You think you have moved on, settled into this path, but then you stumble over a new fear, a fresh revealing of reality.
You stumble, but you don’t fall. God is keeping you. He is making your way straight. He is holding you even when you don’t see Him.
Sunday was better. Still in that fog and still feeling sick, but the fog was lifting. Monday she went back to work. The first couple of days were hard, but by Wednesday she was feeling almost normal.
A gift. Normal living is a gift. I keep thinking we should do wonderful things. We should make memories! And we do sometimes. But do you know what my children remember most? They remember the normal days. They remember pancakes on cool fall mornings. They remember sitting around the table, sharing days and stories. They remember crackling fires and the smell of popcorn and everyone talking at once. They remember noise and laughter and feeling loved. They remember family.
So we are cherishing these days before the next treatment. We are cherishing normal. We are not counting on each moment to be perfect or memorable or photo-worthy. Or even good. But we are embracing each one as an opportunity to love each other, to be faithful.
An opportunity to see the beautiful moments given by a loving Father. I imagine we are going to uncover many new layers of beauty this next year. I imagine some of them will be hard to see. They will be camouflaged as beauty is sometimes. But if we look closely, we will find them.
We may even watch the sun rise. And eat pancakes.
Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shifting shadow. (James 1:17)