Pieces of grief

It still surprises me when I awaken to tears and strong waves of memory, the rhythm of grief catching me off-guard and vulnerable. Even the gentle waves sometimes knock you down when you’re unsteady, when the sand shifts just so beneath your feet.

My mother’s perfume bottle sits on my dresser, along with a small bottle of essential oils that belonged to Marissa. The perfume is a happy remembrance of my mom, pearls and dress-up and celebrations. But the oils remind me of a bald-headed beauty and a cancer-ridden body. They smell a little like sadness, a little like fear.

Both scents take me back if I want them to. If I let them.

The summer air has been thick with humidity, and even walks at dusk are heavy and still. Some nights I smell crushed roses and I’m not sure if the scent is joy or sadness. Is it a lover’s bouquet or a graveside farewell?

I just can’t tell sometimes.

But there have been cotton candy clouds at sunset, all pink and golden and billowy, the kind that make you catch your breath in wonder. And every night I come home to the richest kind of love and the fullness of so many blessings.

The pieces of grief are tangled up with bits of breathless joy. And I remember the One who is weaving it all together, who is making it good.

I worship this Creator of every kind of beauty, every precious gift, every trace of joy. And when the scent of roses makes me cry, I bow my head.

I worship still.

Bless the Lord, O my soul! O Lord my God, you are very great! You are clothed with splendor and majesty, covering yourself with light as with a garment, stretching out the heavens like a tent. May the glory of the Lord endure forever; may the Lord rejoice in his works. Psalm 104:1-2, 31

But you, O LORD, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head. Psalm 3:3

My help comes from the LORD, Who made heaven and earth. He will not allow your foot to slip; He who keeps you will not slumber. Psalm 121:2-3






3 thoughts on “Pieces of grief

  1. Colleen, I have prayed for you this morning!
    You do an awesome job of expressing your heart and feelings!
    Oh how I yearn for the Rapture and reunion with those whom we love who have gone on before us!
    How much more do I long for our Lord and Savior!
    Thanks for sharing!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It is always a marvel to see how the Lord uses broken and bruised Christians to minister. I am thankful for each post that you share with us. They continue to instruct me and help me to see the Lord. Thank you for the scripture that you share. It is exciting to see how the Lord can open our eyes to better understand His Word through our experiences.


  3. My thoughts and heart are heavy with grief.. As we near the 1 year anniversary… How can it be? Recently I have been looking at verses about joy. Marlita’s joy has no end, I treasure that, and cling to Jesus. He is my Hope!
    But oh when grief and joy coexist it causes some ups and downs, but I still hang on.


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