Five years

Like a mountain stream, the days move on–sometimes trickling and sometimes gushing, but always flowing. How is it five years since we said goodbye to Marissa?

They say that grief is love with no place to go, and it is exactly that. A full heart with no release. Like always carrying a brimming cup of water and knowing you can never put it down.

God has taught me how to carry it, and it spills out less frequently now. It is filled with many things–doubt and tears and sorrow. But He has faithfully added His mercies. Acceptance and peace and hope. Joy in knowing Him and His ways.

Grace upon grace. And an understanding.

I am meant to bear this cup. It is mine. I am equipped to carry it. This is my story, written for me. This is my work, my purpose, a way to glorify God.

I can imagine a scene where Marissa gives her cup to Jesus–all bitter pain and sorrow at once removed and its contents only good. She is not sorry that she has carried it. She is grateful for His sweetening of every drop.

On this day when we remember her leaving, the sorrow presses in. I look at pictures and recall her journey. I miss her spunk and her laughter and all her ways. I miss knowing her and having her near.

I let the mourning rise.

It doesn’t surprise or disappoint God that we still grieve. He meant for us to love her deeply, and He meant for her going to change us.

And I know she would tell me to keep walking and trusting and hoping.

That every drop added to my cup is purposeful and kind.

I know she would tell me to carry it with joy.

For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:18

Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Romans 5:2

7 thoughts on “Five years

  1. God never moves without purpose or plan When trying His servant and molding a man
    Give thanks to the Lord though your testing seems long; In darkness He giveth a song: O Rejoice in the Lord, He makes no mistake; He knoweth the end of each path that I take For when I am tried And purified
    I shall come forth as gold. ~R. Hamilton

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh so good to read your words…..I keep thinking about the 5 yr mark just out ahead, (Aug 1). Last Sun we sang the Hymn “If on a Quiet Sea” I sang it from my heart.
    1. If, on a quiet sea,
    Tow’rd heav’n we calmly sail,
    With grateful hearts, O God, to Thee,
    We’ll own the fav’ring gale;
    With grateful hearts, O God, to Thee,
    We’ll own the fav’ring gale.
    2. But should the surges rise,
    And rest delay to come,
    Blest be the tempest, kind the storm,
    Which drives us nearer home;
    Blest be the tempest, kind the storm,
    Which drives us nearer home.
    3. Soon shall our doubts and fears
    All yield to Thy control;
    Thy tender mercies shall illume
    The midnight of the soul;
    Thy tender mercies shall illume
    The midnight of the soul.
    4. Teach us, in ev’ry state,
    To make Thy will our own;
    And when the joys of sense depart,
    To live by faith alone;
    And when the joys of sense depart,
    To live by faith alone.
    God bless you today, as you reflect and remember.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I love those lyrics! So glad you could sing it from your heart, and I’m asking God to comfort your heart as you near the August anniversary.

      Like

  3. I can’t believe it has been 5 years! But in other ways, it seems even longer! I found your sweet acceptance of this impossible path to be comforting because, over these 5 years, your grief has been like the tide rushing in and going back out. The one constant has been your confidence that it is God that makes your journey on this path possible. Marissa was such a little sunbeam. I am praying for peace and joy in your memories of her.

    Liked by 1 person

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