January is slipping away. I look at the calendar and the days are moving, passing by, and I have not really accomplished much except getting through. But the days are not without purpose. We hope the days are taking us to a place we want to be–past treatment, past this present pain, past cancer.
Some days I put blinders on. I trudge onward but I’m not looking ahead and I’m not looking around. I’m just looking at the next step, the next decision, the next hard thing.
I can’t see the cancer. I can’t see if this new medication is stopping the division of cancer cells or not. I can’t see the weekly battle in the blood–the intricate dance of the white blood cells that determines whether or not Marissa can receive treatment each week. I can’t see her body fighting off infection or her mind fighting despair.
I can’t see the fear in my children’s hearts or the spiritual battles waging in the souls of those I love. I can’t see where this path leads. I can’t see the future.
But some things I can see.
I can see my daughter laugh. I see her square her shoulders and bravely face each day. I see her turn to God for strength and hope.
I can see answers to prayer. I see how God has shrunk the tumor. I see how He has miraculously kept Marissa from sickness when she has no white blood cells to fight infection. I see Him providing relief from side effects.
I can see beauty all around me. I see it in morning stars and frosty days. I see it in shared moments of joy. I see it in kind words and helping hands. I see it in God’s living, powerful words.
And it’s as if God removes the blinders and lifts up my eyes. It’s as if He sheds a beautiful light on the road ahead. It’s as if He gives wings and lifts me up and helps me fly. It’s as if He carries me.
You have seen how the LORD your God carried you, as a man carries his son, all the way that you went until you came to this place. (Deuteronomy 1:31)
He is opening my eyes. He is helping me to see that He has carried me all the way.
He is helping me to see Him clearly.
Then Jesus laid his hands on his eyes again; and he opened his eyes, his sight was restored, and he saw everything clearly. (Mark 8:25)